To hell in a milk float

Racism.

Tricky subject for me, racism, because out of the millions of people of any one racial group, I seem to know only one or two of 'em. For example, I know about two East-Asians, two Orientals, two or three Blacks and no Eskimos. It's annoying having such a small minority of minority acquaintances beause it leaves you feeling like an American-made movie, with a few token minority group actors to enable 'em to show it in Europe, which isn't true partly because I'm not a racist and partly because I rarely get a fat, loud bloke in a flatcap telling me what to do through a loud-hailer from a wooden chair marked "Director".

Anyways, what I wanted to ask was "what is racism?". I mean, even the British Nazi Nationalist Party don't consider themselves racist - they simply redefine racism to remove most of the human race from the definition. I'll tell you what racism is: racism, like treason, is merely a matter of dates.

No, I haven't flipped my lid. I'm simply so fabulously intelligent that nobody has realised I'm right yet! There's nothing wrong with slagging off the Ancient Romans, is there? They were an ethnic minority. And nobody cares if you want to crack dirty jokes about the Aztecs, do they?

(-What d'you call a pair of tribal midgets singing in a cage on the back of a wagon?
 -An Inca stereo!)

But when you spraypaint slogans like "WE DON'T WANT YOUR FILTHY INFERIOR KIND IN OUR COUNTRY!" on the side of the Welsh Embassy, it suddenly becomes racism. But in a trillion-billion years, when the world is run by highly evolved creatures that are all descended from the caretakers of French nuclear power stations, it won't matter what race, colour or nationality you insult, because precisely no-one will care.

So, you can rip the proverbial piss out of the Ancient Romans from now 'till 2008 if that's what you enjoy doing (and I like to think it is. Seriously. Wouldn't it be great to form a "We're sick of the Ancient Romans" society, and tour the British Isles beating up schoolteachers and torching museums?), but you say one word against the Dutch and you're a racist. Which is particularly annoying for us as other Europeean nations can say whatever the hell they like about us owing to the sacred international principle of Nobody Likes The British(TM). To be honest, though, we've only got ourselves to blame. If we'd done a little less in the way of global oppression back in the old Top Hat and Smallpox days, it would mean so much less hassle getting everybody to love us nowadays! Look, world - we're sorry! We've given you Cornish Pasties, Jamie Oliver and the Carry On films! What more can we possibly do to make up for it?

Back to racism. ("Back to Racism"? Sounds a bit like a klu klux clan training film, that, but nevermind!)

In fact, there's a good point. The klu klux clan. They're guilty of three grevious offenses, as far as I can see:

1) The conscienceless torture and murder of numerous innocent black people.
2) The misrepresentation of both themselves and their target to a large population of stupid and ignorant Deep South yokels.
3) A deliberate and purposeful insistence on spelling "clan" with a "K".

That felt good! Both the opportunity of striking out at a group who can't retaliate, seeing as they can barely read, let alone handle a list containing three items, and listing! I haven't drawn up a three-point list for quite a while now, and that really hit the spot like you wouldn't believe!

That's about it, really, for racism. I suppose if I were a sociologist or something I could write an entry yet more miserably long than this one is, but I ain't, so I can't. For which you can all be grateful to whatever god, gods, rock stars or celebrity chefs you happen to worship.

Vindy, you can't "accidentally" delete your blog! What you mean is "I've realised just how much of my private life I'm giving away to the general public absoloutely free, and in a moment of sanity I've deleted my blog!" Don't worry, it happens to us all! If you need to broadcast your life for the entire world to see, apply to appear on Big Brother!

Matt, I take it you're the world expert on own-shit-poking, with a mantelpiece full of turd-shaped trophies and a snooker cue which is inexplicably stained brown at on end?

Laura, most people I know say something along the lines of "German wine? You uncultured barbarian, you!", but you go "German wine? Nah - gin's better"! What's wrong with you? Were you bottle-fed from empty pint-glasses as a child or something!? Vodka's tasteless, Lambrini is the equivalent of a massive sign carried above your head for the entire evening which reads "I'm drinking this because it's cheap, and I don't care how mild it is because I plan to drink loads of it! And besides, for some reaseon I think white wine makes me look good!" and cider is for people who haven't discovered bitter!

Rosie, true, but only because you're such a ridiculously complex person you defy all possiblility of my understanding you. And I'm absoloutely certain you do it deliberately!

Purpley, you've flipped! One, don't I have to propose before you can reject me? And Two, the only "Dan"s we have in common are Gingery and Chaos Fairy! Now, I don't know if you've noticed, but Gingery's your brother!