To hell in a milk float

Women, wait right there - I'll be back in a tick.

Men, I'm going to ask you to come over here a moment.

...

thanks. Now, I'll begin. Have any of you ever thought quietly to yourself "Hey, I'm actually alot more attractive than most people think I am"? Most of you still with me? Good, so far. Ever thought, even more quietly, to yourself "If I was female, I'd date me"? Okay, less of you with me this time, I'll move on; Ever thought so quietly to yourself that you had to cease all other bodily functions just to hear yourself "If I were two women, I'd be lesbians"? No? Ah. Just me then.

Right, men, excuse me a minute.

Women, you know when you're looking into a mirror or something, and you think to yourself quietly (in case there are any nosy psychics listening) "Christ - just look at my terrible hair/thighs/sexual equipment"? Well, you're wrong. Not just the mild "Sorry, I thought you were someone I knew" wrong, the major "Well it looked like my baby when I first brought it home" court-case, Daily-Mail-scandal kind of wrong. You're beautiful. Just by being female, you're gorgeous. Remember that, and don't be so bloody insecure!

Thanks for your time.



The point I'm making is that men and women look at themselves in totally different ways. Men tend to assume they're perfect and that everyone ought to love the pants off them like they do themselves, despite massive amounts of evidence and several Crown-Court rulings to the contrary, wheras women are more likely to base their view of themselves entirely on the presumption "I'm not perfect, and that's a start".

It's all wrong! Men, look at me. Horrible, isn't it? I couldn't be any uglier if I was made for the purpose! But I don't see that. I see myself the way you see yourselves. Straight up. Scary, isn't it? Women, your problem is that you don't realise men don't spend their entire time with you looking for faults. When you check us out, you get a kind of gleam in your eye similar to that of a butcher, deciding which cow carcass to display in the window. When we check you out, it's "Well, she's got the right number of limbs, and all the lumps appear to be in the right place" and everything from then on is a plus.

But you can't make stereotypes as vague as that - there are plenty of men who think of themselves the way they once looked in a funfair distorted mirror, and plenty of women who act so bitchy and superior that you're actually allowed by law to flick the V's at them when they turn around. But these people don't really have that big a problem - the men are all going to end up in relationships which are sixty percent love/forty percent worrying with one of the insecure women, and the bitchy women are all going to end up in dustbins with their throats cut when the revoloution comes.

That's all. I'm sure I've been of service.

 

 

Biscuit, no! No, no, no, no! Don't commit suicide! True, if you're going to die you may as well choose how, but who says you have to die at all? Just look at Jesus, and Walter Disney! 

Ginger person, "Ginger Person"? What's with the new name-myself-after-my-hair state of affairs? We've got "Purple person", "Gingery", and now "Ginger person"! And Shan's started dying her hair, so it's not long before she starts doing it, too!

Ant, fine, fine, you have the moral high-ground! And why can't it get that bad? Suicide's the only option you can't lose, and it's a permanent solution to almost any problem you can think of!

Shan, no, you're wrong! You'll marry Prince Harry! I know you will! 

 DJ, I try, I try! But Once the Samaritans start quoting me, then I'll be satisfied!

Purpley, using my blog to advertise your own? Have you no shame? You're as bad as Inbrederic, that you are!

Rosie, err... thanks?

Bec, how can you forge evidence of suicide? Either you killed yourself or you didn't! It's that simple! They can tell who pulled the trigger or tied the slipknot or opened the window or whatever! Leaving "evidence" will just make you look like an arsehole, albeit a dead one!