To hell in a milk float

I'm not addicted to caffiene. I'd be perfectly happy if I never had a can of Pepsi again, and decaf holds for me all the joys of the original. But I think I'm becoming addicted to the Coffee Republic in Wimbledon. I only ever visit Wimbledon for the District Line and to meet driving instructors and things, but whenever I do I either get there too early, too late or shouldn't be there at all. The normal practise on these occasions is to get a bus/train/tram to wherever I should be, or to jack it in and go home. But I've recently been going more and more to coffee republic instead, especially to breakfast there. Danish pastry, milky tea, Evening Standard. (Hey - I have a late breakfast, okay!) Sometimes, out of a spirit of pure devilment, I even attempt the Sudoku! There's simply nothing better than the feeling of a hot cuppa and a comfy chair and the smell of cooking pastries and a massive plate glass window through which you can see loads of miserable people marching about in the cold. Ahh, the cold! When someone opens and closes the door, and it gets colder for like eight seconds, then the warm suddenly comes back in a rush, ooohhh!

But I hate other coffee shops! Starbucks, Costa, I hate 'em! They've got a horrible atmosphere, horrible queues (you can never get a drink when you want one. You get it precisely ten minutes and two hundred million stepped-on floor crumbs after you want it), too many people inside, stupid things on the menu, no free tables by the window and doors which are open as often as not. So, more power to the Republic!

It's not just "Coffee Republic"! It's the one in Wimbledon. As the nearest big town to me, I drink more tea in it than any other location on the planet, excluding my own home. Other Coffee Republics are different shapes, sizes and have different chairs. But my one is perfect! The only one that comes close is the one near Canada Square, but that's inside the underground complex, so you don't get the door-open-feel-cold-door-closed-have-orgasm effect. I used to visit the one in Wimbledon occasionally, just to be able to look all sophisticated and warm while waiting for people, but it's now becoming an obsession. And every time I go I only ever have one drink:

Coffee has tables, tea - the amphibious landing craft of beverages - has trays. I drink tea with no sugar (Jesus! How can people put sugar in tea! Barbarians! Ruins it!) and lots of milk, and coffee when someone points a gun at my head and makes me. I do have coffee on the rare occasion that I have to get up early, to be fair. Morning coffee is the biological equivalent of engaging the choke, and coffee during the daytime is the biological equivalent of driving a diesel.

I'm supposed to be going to my Tae-Kwon-Do class in North Cheam right about now, but I haven't washed my kit, haven't any money and have noticed both those facts too late, as usual. I can't even turn up in my normal clothes, because it'd make it twice in a fortnight that I've done that, and I feel like a dick every time it happens. I'd better wrap up now anyway, just in case I get sued by Starbucks or something.

Oh, oh, oh! While we're on the subject of misusing corporate trademarks, ja like me new buttons? Don't give me all that - you must have noticed 'em! Top-right-hand corner, in place of the little penguin man that's lived there since I started the blog. I guess he's out of work, now, but hey - it's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and he just couldn't compete with Mozilla Firefox, Sainsbury's and a gay American web-designer. Die in a gutter, penguin!

I may yet replace the Sainsbury's one and Purple one with ones that actually have a fighting chance of being clicked on, though, if I can think of any good ones. Any ideas?

Girish, rest assured I do my level best to have a nice day every day, but cheers for the suggestion!

Shan, Aww, I'm touched! I'm just too caring, me! If I was any nicer to the female population you'd be able to detect my smarminess vibes with a tuning fork!
I know! Every male who grew up in the ninteys unconciously tries to sound like a cross between Damon Albarn and Liam Gallagher when we sing!

Biscuit, how true! Women's magasines are filled with pictures of women without all their clothes on, and men's magasines are filled with, you've guessed it, ditto. Proof positive!

Biscuit, congratters on yet another version of my assumed nickname! I thought the supply of possible variations had exhausted themselves ages ago!

I..jeez.. stop that, will you? Cut it out! Advertising your shop on me blog! But where didja get the domain name? Dontcha have to pay loads for them? You must be coining the stuff!

Mulletman, since the women took over, is when!