Wednesday, 21 September 2005
Focus!
Guess who may be getting a two litre Ford Focus Ghia? Yes, it is a car fit for a prince, or a king, or a middle class, single child family, but are they getting it? Nope! You were right first time, dear reader! It's me! Noodlemobile #2 (NMB #1 being a rusted out 1200cc Escort - complete with bonnet duct-taped to the chassis and exhaust manifold made from something resembling the remains of Apollo 13 - I never set foot to pedal in and will never speak of again.) will most probably be arriving sometime in November, courtesy of some loaded relatives of mine. But in some ironic twist of fate, I probably won't be able to afford road fund, insurance or running costs of the flaming thing (whoever heard of a two litre two-door hatchback? Bloody nobody, 'cept possibly the American motor industry) so the upshot'll probably be my dad collaring the Focus Ghia and me getting a handed-down N-reg Renault 19, of all unpalatable possibilities! Ah well - a car is still a car, except when it decides to be a be-wheeled fireball with me inside it.
Anyways, now we've got the important bit out of the way, Rosie has demanded a post about herself, deciding just what's needed to try and revive a dying blog is a post that's only relevant to two people in the entire universe, and when have I ever been one to stand up to egotism almost as big as my own?
Rosie, for those of you who haven't had the pleasure of meeting her, is about five feet tall, one foot wide and eight inches deep. She's great fun to flirt with, even more fun to fight with, not so fun to depend on for navigational purposes, and terribly terribly fun to be close to, emotionally, physically, spiritually, alphabetically. Her hair is the colour you'd expect stealth bombers to be, her skin is the colour you get if you mix Strawberry Angel Delight with Wallpaper Paste, but has a smoother textrue and a more pleasant taste, and for the life of me I can't remember what colour her eyes are.
She's a shameless corporate sellout, a monkey-wrench-toting football hooligan when it comes to romance, a brick wall when it comes to football or DIY, an angel in human form before she applies makeup and a cross between a goth and a clown after she applies it. The quickest way to her heart is the subject of international speculation, and the discoverer will probably score a Nobel prize. The quickest way to her bed was demolished by the planning comission in 1987 in order to make way for a bypass to her sence of moral decency. Her outlook on life can only be described by the phrase "Silence of the Lambs", and most people's opinion of her would include the word "Lovable".
If she was a song she'd be "Can't Stand Losing You" by the Police, if she was a film she'd be every single one ever made by any two-bit film company anywhere in the world, and if she was any shorter she probably wouldn't exist.
Jesus, that should be her obituary, shouldn't it?
Ant, I seem to be branching out into bloging on request! When did I lose my soul?
Shan, "chaps" can be female, too! And I'm really getting into the idea of this whole lifestyle you've planned out for me! I really want a kilt and a million sheep and a beautiful Scots farm maiden and a nice solid rock and Haggis everyday and a set of bagpipes! But - could you make the beautiful Scots farm maiden a little less prone to hacking sheep about, at least while I'm trying to herd them with me bagpipes, okay? Cheers.
Oh, and didja see CSI: Miami the other day? Somebody shot a horse! Tee hee!
Sara, you, too! Why does everyone think "chaps" are just male? I'm sure I'm right! Or am I? I'm starting to doubt myself, now! See what you've done?!
Maybe the reason we don't have good legs is that we don't wear skirts kilts enough. I'm sure we could evolve good legs, with a bit of practice...
Behind the times? Our school's gone too far the other way! We've got flaming thumbprint-scanning machines insead of registration now! Only they don't seem to work and nobody knows why!
Biscuit, that may pose a bit of a problem, actually - just how are thirty-year-olds, say, supposed to fit thirty hours' snoozing in per day? It calls for a new system - You don't have to get up at any hour less than your age minus your average hourly income. That would protect toddlers, who tend as a class to have a fairly low earning power, from having to get up too early, and would prevent the likes of the Queen lying around for the rest of the flaming century.
23:30 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (21) | Email this
Comments
My dad drives a Ford Focus Zetec Ghia and the thing is fab. When I try and get insurance on it however the brokers just laugh. I'm twenty bastard four and still can't get insured on nice cars despite NEVER having made a claim in my life.
Apparantly it's all about being 25, then the door to decent car ownership will open itself up to me.
Ergo you will not get insured for less than £2,000 a year my friend. Sorry
Posted by: Biscuit | Thursday, 22 September 2005
By the way I don't like your new wake up time arrangements. I'm now back to an 8am start. Where's the fun in that?
SORT IT
Posted by: Biscuit | Thursday, 22 September 2005
I'm not sure if that was sweet or not.
But thanks.
I demand a copy of this song.
xXx
Posted by: Rosie | Thursday, 22 September 2005
I thought that was very sweet Rosie XD!
Heeeeeeeeeeey, you sick person, it's not funny when people shoot horses. I'd probably be part of PETA if I didn't like meat. Why did they shoot the horsie? *sniff* I remember one CSI episode where someone hid drugs in a horse's stomach or something. Or maybe it's rectum? I dunno.
Urrghhh in Fear Factor they once had to eat horse rectum!!
But I meant to describe your Scottish farm wife as a butch person! DAMMIT!
Posted by: Shan | Thursday, 22 September 2005
Awww that was so incredibly beautiful, with a little bit of your trademark sarcasm and literary devices such as metaphors and similes to get your point across. It's so lovely though, it's gorgeous. You should transform it into a poem. I've never read anything like that towards one person before, I wish you knew me enough to write one about me that would be interesting! PS: Also shows your love for Rosie in more than a million ways :P
Posted by: erica. | Thursday, 22 September 2005
very unusual way to describe someone. very cool :)
you're a sadist, you like the horses to suffer and shan as a result and what is CSI?
i understand nothing about cars.
i am sad.
and very hungry. i have discovered the best snack EVER!!! rice crackers with butter and mashed up olives...mmmmm....
and chocolate mousse goes soooo well with orange juice.
your blog is definitely dying. you dont bother with it anymore and it is wilting because of the neglect.
do something. i am probably being hypocritical but noone cares about my blog, not even me.
Posted by: sara | Friday, 23 September 2005
CSI is Crime Scene Investigation. Tis the smex.
Posted by: Shan | Friday, 23 September 2005
In a previous post you say your the oldest virgin ever but you know how deep Rosie is?
Please explain.
And Sara...your ignorent, who doesn't know about CSI?
Shan...nobody, irepeat nobody likes horses.
Oh and by the way, you not being able to insure your car makes me happy.
MUAHAHAHAHAHA
Posted by: Queue and Ai | Friday, 23 September 2005
Yeah, I was gonna point out the virgin bit, but I refrained.
EVERYBODY LOVESH HORSES!! *sniffs* *is in slight denial*
Posted by: Shan | Friday, 23 September 2005
Erm.
I am not 8 inches deep, and we never fucked.
Plz everyone, refrain from the thought.
I am also the oldest virgin ever.
=D
Posted by: Rosie | Friday, 23 September 2005
Aaah, I got the impression in the UK girls my age bonked everything in sight!!
That's what Sara told me about most of the girls from Britain who she met in PGL.
Em... I guess 'bonked' isn't a good word.
Just you wait, I'll be the oldest one! Meager mortals!!!
Posted by: Shan | Saturday, 24 September 2005
How can there be two oldest virgins? And errrm Shan? YOU are a mortal in case you haven't noticed. By the way Biscuit, some people wake up at 5:30 after going to bed at 4am...me for example...stupid office.
Posted by: Queue and Ai | Saturday, 24 September 2005
Me?! Mortal!? You Fool!
I've been talking like this for the past two weeks and I've grown attached to my power hungry alter-ego.
Posted by: Shan | Saturday, 24 September 2005
Bloody hell finally someone to support me on the case of Rosie! Only a short reply cos, thru the magic of technology, im doing this without a computer. And dont disagree rosie it is all true!
Posted by: Gingery | Sunday, 25 September 2005
0.0 How are you not on a computer? Do you have magic powers, like me?
Posted by: Shan | Sunday, 25 September 2005
i am not ignorant!!!!!
i am just mildly deprived...
i am sure there are many many MANY things that i know loooooadsss about that youve never even heard about before.
so there.
shanya! i didnt put it like that!!! i think i said they were more experienced or something...
most of them were very nice people and youve made them all sound like slags :(
just because youre a grumpy grocers wife...
humph.
Posted by: sara | Monday, 26 September 2005
When you told me you were like "They're slightly more experienced if-ya-know-what-I-mean." And BAM! I got that impression in my head. I can NEVER see you saying that word with meaning because you're so nice.
My grocer's wife role is DEH BOMB DIGGITY!!
Posted by: Shan | Tuesday, 27 September 2005
thank you for the compliment, but trust me i can be seriously nasty when im upset...
Posted by: sara | Tuesday, 27 September 2005
Yeah, I know. You pull this scary look and glare. Silly person.
Posted by: Shan | Wednesday, 28 September 2005
whenever i have an argument with my parents i just sit there fuming and they tell me to take "that look" off my face.
thing is, i dont do "the look" on purpose and i have no idea what it is...
i am all alone in my house. my mum and brother have gone to bahrein to see my dad but i didnt fancy it because of having to spend the whole weekend there.
and leni has gone to the bank. i feel lonely, which is why i am about to start emailing people.
Posted by: sara | Wednesday, 28 September 2005
I have to say John, that was just beautiful i didnt realise that you were capable of giving out such a loving message.. wow i am really close to breaking into tears here.....
that aside i want more of the old thought provoking PNB blogs, this mushy stuff is all well and good but where does the thought provoking questions come from
Posted by: Ant D | Wednesday, 28 September 2005
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